Kenny's Top 10 Most Painful Deaths
by Mysterion's Marshadow
Summary: Title says it all. Kenny is fed up with everyone taking his recurring deaths as a joke, so he decides to make a countdown about the worst experiences of his life. Oneshot.


I know that a lot of people enjoy seeing me die. Those "entertaining" and "creative" demises of mine that many never get tired of witnessing. Hell, some have even made _countdowns_ on the subject, ranking my deaths from 10 to 1. Their favorites tend to range from the unusual, to the ones that were the most painful to go through. And honestly? It makes me glad that nobody in South Park ever remembers.

Don't ask me why my immortality is somehow universally known throughout the Internet despite its memory-wiping capabilities. Trust me, there's a lot of weird shit surrounding my curse that makes no sense. But many people fail to remember, or even realize, how much of a _curse_ this really is. They think I'm just a prop that's _made_ to die. Well, today is your lucky day, readers. I'm gonna _tell_ you how some of that shit went down. That's right, you get to hear _my_ opinion on the subject. Because, dammit, I _deserve_ to have a voice in this!

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 **Top 10 Most Painful Deaths**

 **By Kenny McCormick**

 **Rules:** Yes, despite how illogical and ridiculous my frequent demises may be, I should still be technical with this sort of thing. First off, NO NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCES. Remember, this is a list of the times I died, not when I was close to it and miraculously survived. So, that time when all my limbs got chopped off? That instance where I got hit by a bus and still survived? Yeah, those were as painful as fuck, but because I didn't actually _die_ , they get excluded. Just keep in mind, these are ranked by how _painful_ they are, so the long and agonizing ones are what I'm mainly looking at here. Also, some are chosen for being painful _emotionally._ What do I mean by this? Well...you'll find out soon enough.

 **10\. Crushed by a piano**

I know what you're thinking. _You've been crushed by lots of falling objects. What's the big deal about this one?_ Yes, I could have copped out and just made an entry titled "All times I got crushed." But the thing is...being crushed is one of the _quickest_ ways to die. It's painful, (no shit) but it's over pretty fast. But what puts _this_ one on the list at all is because of what happened _before_ I got crushed.

Kyle was suffering from kidney failure, and Stan was really torn up about it. I mean, yeah. His best friend was dying, and there wasn't anything he could do about it. _That,_ I understand. What I didn't understand (at the time) is why the hell he didn't react this way whenever _I_ died?! I snapped at him, asking why he never seems to care when bad stuff happens to _me_ , but when it happens to _Kyle_ , the waterworks get turned on. But, as per usual, Stan didn't seem to give a crap. The piano crushing me right after was simply adding insult to injury. Also, you know how getting flattened by a piano is always depicted as "funny" in shows like _Loony Tunes_ and _Tom and Jerry?_ Well, it's not. I don't see anything "funny" about it.

 **9\. Zapped by Saddam's laser eyes**

Okay, I _get_ why Saddam must have killed _me_ out of everyone in the room. I mean, it's kinda because of _me_ that Satan broke up with him in the first place. And while I didn't even know it was Saddam until my friends told me about the trip after I came back, knowing somehow made the experience feel a little more bearable. In a way...I kinda deserved it. But, I still had to put it here. Exploding is bad enough, and it's one of the most painful ways to go. But I was so close... SO fucking close to not dying for a whole year!

That was even my one wish that Christmas. I almost made it through the entire year without dying _once._ And I didn't even _want_ to go on that stupid trip to Canada, my so-called "friends" essentially _made_ me go. And all throughout the whole _Wizard of Oz_ ripoff section of Canada, I was just constantly praying to make it through the rest of the year without dying. But, nope. Saddam had other plans. I don't even know how he came back to life in the first place. Well, then again, I don't know how _I_ manage to do it either.

 **8\. Antacid tablet explosion**

So, picture this. You're poor as shit, with hardly anything to eat. You're starving, and sick of having only Pop-Tarts to eat. Suddenly, you see a large bowl of (what you presume to be) mints lying on the table! Surely, it must be your lucky day! Hell, they were even mint- _flavored!_ Then, after you decide to wash down the mints with a swig of water, imagine them having a chemical reaction inside your body. Imagine foam leaking through your eyes and mouth, and feeling your entire body slowly swelling up from the pressure. Then, lastly, imagine said swelled-up body exploding from the strain. What's that? You think this death is one of my most hilarious? I will admit, it _is_ amusing. To watch. But _experiencing_ it? Entirely different story.

Kinda gives off a "Violet Beuregard" feel to it, huh? Except, _she_ kinda deserved it, but she _didn't_ explode. Well, think of this as a "behind the scenes" special feature, ok? This is what they _didn't_ show you. I promise, this is the last exploding death on the list. But, really, who can really blame me?

 **7\. Getting a seizure, and infested by rats**

Now we're getting into some of the longer ones, huh? The seizure was bad enough as it was, but I spent _days_ suffering in a catatonic state, and nobody even _bothers_ to call an ambulance?! I could barely move, wasn't able to talk, my brain felt like it was broken, and I was slowly being eaten away from the inside out by rats. Yeah, those guys really seem to love me. Or at least, the way I taste.

But yeah, that's just _cruel._ It's as if they say: "Hey, it's that kid who always supplies us with human flesh! And he's in a completely helpless state! Let's instead _not_ wait until he's dead, and consume his organs while he's STILL ALIVE? Doesn't that sound like FUN?!" I mean, I don't even remember when I even _died_ during that time period. My brain wasn't working properly, and the only thing it could process was the sheer _agony_ of getting my organs torn apart. At least I wasn't fully conscious during parts of it. Which is why this one's not any higher.

 **6\. Removal of my feeding tube**

Long agonizing death by starvation? Yeah, you should've saw this one coming. But not only that, let's fucking _broadcast_ my vegetative state for all the world to see, despite that being the _one_ thing I asked not to happen in my will! What's that? You want more reasons as to why this one's higher than everything else I listed so far? Oh yeah, there's also the fact that I wasn't able to TALK. Just sit there, suffering in silence, while these other people decided my fate. It was one of the rare occasions where I actually _begged_ for death, and hoped that they'd just kill me quickly. But no, when they finally decided to let me die, it was by removing my feeding tube, and just letting nature take its course.

On top of all that, there was still that Heaven vs. Hell thing to worry about. Thank Christ I was able to get back up there before Satan's army made it to Heaven, but still. On the bright side, at least I got to save the world by playing video games, and was one of the only times I ever made it into Heaven. But yeah, the whole thing kinda made me wish I wrote my will a little differently. Well, I learned my lesson.

Updated version: If I should ever be in a vegetative state, and kept alive on life support, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FUCKING KILL ME AS QUICKLY AND PAINLESSLY AS POSSIBLE!

 **5\. The "shit" plague**

Never thought I would die by swearing. Which is surprising, since I've sworn so much, my profane mouth even rivals that of Eric Cartman. So, how is it that just by saying "shit" a bunch of times, it causes people to vomit their intestines out, myself included? And after erasing the damage done, I actually thought it would be one of those rare occasions where I made it out alive. But, no. I just _had_ to open my mouth. And let my intestines spill out of it.

Oh wait, that's not even the worst part. I spent the entire rest of that little..."adventure" feeling like the word that was slowly causing my death. Yeah, it's another one of those long and painful ones. Big fucking surprise. Oh yeah, and it's added to the catagory of those _mentally_ painful deaths too. We've got a few more of those left. Speaking of which:

 **4\. Drowning with cement shoes**

For those of you who have ever had a near-drowning experience, you'll know what I'm talking about. For those of you who don't, allow Kenny McCormick to educate you on what drowning feels like. Now, I'm well aware of the fact that I've drowned multiple times in the past. Prominent examples include my suicide to help out David Blane's cult, and the water park literally flooding with piss. But I put this one on the list because of the false hopes it gave me.

Obviously, I was terrified as fuck at first. But then, (surprise surprise!) the water was too shallow for me to sink! I swear, at that point, it was the _relief_ that almost killed me. But as I tried hopping along, trying to get back home, I ended up being submerged in a pit of water that was a lot _deeper_ than I thought it would be. And here I was, thinking I would get let off easy. The shock of it was bad enough, but the actual _drowning_ part was an experience, to say the least. The cement shoes held me in place, (while obviously weighing me down) my chest felt like it was splitting in half, and I was down there for about 3 minutes before the lack of air finally killed me. How was it that I was able to _voluntarily_ drown myself after I joined David Blane's cult after this, I'll never know.

 **3\. Electrocution, and freezing to death**

This was my first sacrificial death, or at least, the first one I even remember. And even though I did this voluntarily, and I don't regret doing it, I still shiver every time that this death comes to mind. But yes, it's for the best that this death happened, which is why it's not any higher. Better the disposable life of an immortal than hundreds of lives hanging by a thread in a hospital. And knowing that I would just come back in the end, and everything would end up being okay made the experience slightly more bearable. But the experience _alone_ was enough to put it this high.

So yeah, using your own body as a bridge for an electrical generator is gonna hurt a lot. (No fucking shit) However, many seem to think that the electricity killed me instantly. Oh...if only. Well, the initial shock almost killed me, but by some miracle, I survived, and somehow mustered up the strength to touch the cables together to stop my electrocution. I couldn't leave, partly because I was so close to death that I couldn't move, but also because I knew that I would be dooming all those people in the hospital if I left. So, I stayed. The bitter cold was torture, even more so than the electrocution. I swear, my hands would barely stay still enough to keep the wires connected, they were shivering so much. The spasms...the stinging sensation...the numbness...and of course, the eventual overwhelming need to sleep. Which is the last thing I remembered before waking up the next day. At least this is one of those "heroic" deaths of mine, which not only made it more bearable, but prevents it from being any higher. Still, it was the first time that I died of exposure (hard to do, considering that parka I always wear) and honest to God, I hope it's the last.

 **2\. Burned alive, and exploding heart**

So...yeah. That last one was painful, but at least I got to save a few people by enduring that hell. But this just seemed like some sick joke. I'll bet God and Satan had a get-together, and the subject of my deaths came up. And they said: "Hey, let's kill this kid yet again, but let's try to jam-pack as much painful shit as possible! Won't that be hilarious?" (While that wasn't the case, as I asked both of them if they're the ones behind my deaths, I think it's the best way I can explain it.)

Many of my fans know that I will do literally _anything_ for money. I mean, for a guy with absolutely nothing to lose, and everything to gain, why the fuck _wouldn't_ I? And when Cartman bets me a hundred bucks to prove that I could light a fart on fire, how could I _not?_ The answer? This. Seriously, burning to death is worse than drowning. While drowning is painful as shit, it brings a sort of drowsy-sleepy feel to it. Yeah, well you don't get that with fire. The singeing of your skin, the burning of your clothes, and the sheer _agony_ of it all made it sheer _hell_ to go through. For normal people, they'd die after being burnt to a crisp, their troubles gone and over with. But me? I didn't get that luxury.

You know that expression: "pour salt on your wounds?" That's what happened to me right after. Yeah, a salt truck crashed into the ambulance that was about to pick me up, and the whole experience (somehow?!) got even worse. Even though I wasn't on fire anymore, the pain this time around was enough to send me into a coma. Which is rare, since pain that strong normally kills me. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in a hospital bed. By some goddamn _miracle,_ the doctors were able to bring me around. Then, I get hit with _this:_

"Son, I have some bad news. We...accidentally replaced your heart with a baked _potato._ You have about three seconds to live."

That barely registered with me before I felt my heart literally _EXPLODE._ Yeah, they weren't just satisfied with burning me alive and literally pouring salt on my wounds. Nope, they had to throw in some false hopes as well. Quickly taking you back to #4, it's _that_ aspect that really cemented this as the second most painful death of all time. While I have indeed burned to death before, (microwave, lava, volcanic rock crushing me, etc.) the combination of everything _on top_ of the fire was enough to make this emotionally _scarring._ Now, I know what you're thinking. "What could be worse?" Well, my dear readers, you're about to find out.

 **1\. Muscular Dystrophy**

That last death? It was the most painful experience I've ever _been_ through, but at least it was over in a few _hours!_ This...lasted _days._ And while it wasn't nearly as agonizing as #2, I think it was the worst period of my entire life, EVER. At first, I didn't think anything of it. Started off as a mild cough, big whoop. Getting a cold wasn't that uncommon for anybody in South Park, but for a member of _my_ family? Seriously, it was about as frequent as getting commercials on TV. But this cough...didn't go away after the first few days like I thought it would. Instead, it got _worse._ I also had these brief periods of dizziness, and moments where my limbs felt too weak to support me. Much like the cough, however, these only worsened as time went on. And when I tried to go to school the next day (after that entertaining afternoon of setting cow crap on fire) I literally _collapsed._ And the next thing I knew, I was waking up in a hospital bed, hooked up to a bunch of machines.

It was then that I found out that I apparently had this thing called "muscular dystrophy." Apparently, it's a lifelong condition that causes my muscle tissue to start wasting away, and would shorten my lifespan considerably. Of course, this was only if I managed to get out of the hospital alive, which wasn't very likely. Not just because of horrible streak of bad luck that always manages to find me, but because I was getting treated so late. But honestly, I'm glad that happened. If I actually ended up getting those extra few years, I probably would've killed myself before that terminal illness got strong enough to do it.

Not only that, but this was the critical turning point in my life where I found out more about my curse. Up until then, I just assumed nobody around me _cared_ that I died all the time, and just accepted it. But this was different. Cartman tried to get stem cell research legalized to try and find a cure for me, (even though he got sidetracked when he found out he could clone himself a Shakey's Pizza.) Stan was too distraught to even _visit_ me, and Kyle? Well, Kyle stayed by my side until I finally _did_ die. Just, seeing them actually giving a shit about me was what made me actually WANT to live.

I came back a lot later than I expected, (after temporarily possessing Cartman's body, which slowed down the process quite a bit) a whole _year_ later, to be exact. It seemed like the longer it took for me to die, the longer it took to revive. But at the moment, I didn't care. I ran outside, seeing my friends, wanting nothing more than to show them that I was okay, filled with the knowledge that they really _did_ care about me. But...what happened next... _crushed me._

"Oh, hey Kenny."

"Dude, where have you been?"

 _They didn't remember._ I had been wrong this whole time. Yeah, they _did_ care, but something about my curse wiped their memories of the experience each time I died. It explained _so much._ But...it made me feel more alone than ever. I was thinking all these thoughts at once before responding to Kyle's question.

"Oh, I've just been hanging out."

I lied. I just didn't see the point in telling them what really happened. If their memories of my most recent death really _did_ get erased, then they wouldn't believe me even if I told them the truth. The slow painful death by muscular dystrophy was already enough to cement this as my #1 worst death. But...knowing that all the times I died, all the times I _sacrificed myself_ for them were erased from their minds, further cements it as my worst memory. It was the thing that made me realize...that I can't force my problems on anyone. Because they're _my_ problems, and I don't have anyone to turn to in this world. Never have I felt so isolated, and this moment caused me to drift away from my group of friends, as well as become more nihilistic. Yeah, I know that my immortality can be used for good, which is why I created Mysterion to use it to help others. But...there's nobody to help _me._ This curse is _mine_ to bear, and I suffer through it alone, whether I like it or not.

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 **Just a quick idea of a oneshot. If it doesn't work out, and you don't like it, oh well, I tried. I've always wondered how Kenny would react if he found out that literally EVERYBODY on the Internet knew about of his deaths, and that he was basically a big joke to them. So, I decided to play around with that idea.**

 **Anyways, I plan on doing more Kenny-centered fics in the future, so I'd appreciate your feedback. Y'know, what I need to work on, what I did right, all that good stuff. And to quote Kenny himself: "Goodbye, you guys."**


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